Tales of the Parodyverse

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Hatman
Mon Jan 16, 2006 at 02:14:03 pm EST

Subject
Resolution Crisis War - Chapter Three
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    Over the whipping gale and the keen of approaching sirens, Jay Boaz heard the chopper commander scream over his PA:


    “Take off your hat and place your hands behind your head! You are under arrest!!”


    Hatman was faced with a hard decision. He knew that he should stand down and all the proper authorities to take charge. Sir Mumphrey would have him released quick and proper, and then the team could deal with Mr. Epitome’s duplicity. In any training scenario with the team he would have instructed them to do as such. He would have told the Juniors the same.


    Hatman slammed his Carolina Hurricanes cap on his head and buffeted the choppers with gale-force winds.


    This was Gothametropolis York, and ever since spiffy was removed as Mayor and replaced with Velma Klein he had no trust in the authorities here. He was sure he and Mr. Epitome would be denied any kind of due process, and he didn’t trust they’d make it out of police custody alive with the amount of cops on the Lynchpin’s payroll. Hatman’s assault on the Lynchpin a few months ago and his recent actions at the behest of Chiaki and Akiko meant the Capped Crusader was pretty high up on the Lynchpin’s hit list.


    Hatman ascended into the sky, letting the winds he commanded swell under his cape. He couldn’t keep the winds up for long, however. His battle with Mr. Epitome had left him extremely weak, and he wasn’t quite sure how he was still standing. But stand he would.
    The chopper commander came over the PA again. “You have been ordered to surrender yourself into custody! You have declined to do so, and we will respond with force! Open fire!”


    Hatman quickly switched his cap to his Angel’s hat and took evasive maneuvers. He was careful not to swoop too low, as he did not want any of the bystanders assembled to be hit. “Get out of here, now!” he screamed at the crowd, but either they did not hear him or they were too enthralled with the aerial spectacle to flee.


    Pain shot through Hatman’s body as the first bullet pierced his wing. He fought to right himself, and then the second bullet hit. And the third, and the fourth. Hatman’s wings were riddled with bullets, and the Capped Crusader plummeted to the ground. He tore the hat from his head, his wings leaving him. The physical wounds were gone, but the pain remained.


    Hatman could barely think as he fumbled with his Hatility Belt, looking desperately for anything that would save him from the fall. He couldn’t concentrate, and in the end he gambled on the hat his hand had come to rest on.
    He grew, and grew, until he was several stories tall. His body became rounder and softer, and when he hit the ground it was not with a crunch of bones and a splatter of blood, but rather he was cushioned and he bounced slightly.


    He hadn’t had enough power left to effect the full transformation, but it had been enough. As he lost consciousness and the cap slipped from his head, Hatman reverted from his partial transformation to the Marshmallow Man back to his normal form.


    The crowd began to disperse as the Blackhawks landed. It was well known to the populace of Gothametropolis that you want to steer clear of the police.


    A dozen uniformed men burst from the helicopters, weapons trained on the prone forms of Mr. Epitome and Hatman. The commander strode forth and stood over the two Legionnaires. His second in command joined him.


    “We outta make this simple and put a bullet in both of their heads,” the sergeant spat. He kicked Mr. Epitome in the ribs, and learned the hard way the even though unconscious, the Star Spangled Splendor remained invulnerable. He hopped back and cradled his injured foot.


    “Belay that, sergeant,” the lieutenant ordered. “Get the power dampeners on them, before they come to.”


    The squad moved quickly, having been briefed on all members of the Lair Legion. Dominic’s feet and hands were shackled in a contraption that connected to his neck; to free himself he would have to snap his neck himself. A lead and titanium visor was placed over his eyes. Jay’s Hatility Belt was removed, and though his physical prowess was exponentially lower than Mr. Epitome’s he was placed in a similar harness. For good measure a hood was placed over his head and duct-taped around his neck to prevent him from using his powers.


    The two heroes were hauled into separate choppers, and the whup-whup of the rotors faded as they rose into the sky. Two on-lookers who had not fled, but had instead hid, moved out from their vantage point in the alley.


    “Why are they going that way? Police Headquarters is the other way,” asked one of the youths.


    “They’re not going to Police Headquarters,” said his companion. “They’re taking them to Flask.”



* * * * *


    Sir Mumphrey Wilton took a sip of his tea and stopped beside Asil Ashling’s desk. “Good morning, m’dear,” he bade her.


    “Good morning Sir Mumphrey,” Asil replied. There was a confused tone in her voice.


    “What is it?” asked Mumprhey, noting the tone.


    “I just checked the messages, and there was one from Jay. He said that he and Dominic had accepted the mission Dan Drury sent him on. One that you approved.”


    Sir Mumphrey set his tea down on Asil’s desk. “I haven’t the foggiest what Mr. Boaz is referring to. Please ask Hallie and Miss Waltz see me in my office post haste, what?” He then stormed into his office, his tea forgotten.
    Minutes later Hallie and Lisa were in Mumphrey’s office. Mumphrey slammed his telephone back into the cradle in disgust. “Can’t get through to Drury?” asked Lisa.


    “Technical difficulties, apparently,” huffed Sir Mumphrey. “Hallie, can you get a fix on their location?”


    Hallie began scanning for their Communicard signals. “I’m not getting hits for either of them. The cards must be broken.”


    “Or destroyed,” mused the Eccentric Englishman. “Miss Waltz, can you summons them?”


    “I summons Hatman and Mr. Epitome!” Lisa’s brow knitted in concentration as she attempted to transport the two Legionnaires before her. “No go, wherever they are, they’re shielded.”


    Hallie gasped in alarm. “I know where they are.”


    “What? How?” asked Lisa.


    Hallie activated the monitor in front of Sir Mumphrey’s desk and accessed CNN. Velma Klein was holding a press conference.


    “This is exactly why Gothametropolis has out-lawed superpowers! The damage and destruction caused by these so-called superheroes put innocent citizens at risk and caused thousands of dollars in property damage. I feel this video makes my point for me.”


    The screen switched to an amateur video, one that appeared to be taken by a cell phone, of the epic battle between Mr. Epitome and Hatman. The amateur video continued to Hatman’s attack on the police choppers. Unknown to the viewers, the part where Hatman was shot down by the police was omitted, cutting instead to the capture of the two heroes.


"Why would they be fighting like that? They're so...savage," mused Hallie. Sir Mumphrey hushed her as he focused on he television, but he was curious as well.
    The video feed switched back to Velma Klein. “Let this serve as a message to the superhuman population. We in Gothametropolis will not be bullied by testosterone-fueled acts of destruction!”


    Mumphrey switched the feed off. “She didn’t say anything about estrogen,” snarled Lisa. “I’m taking a team in to get them out.”


    “We can’t,” rebuffed Sir Mumphrey. “We’d be playing right into her hands, showing that superhumans can’t be trusted to abide the law, what?”


    “So…we’re just leaving them?” asked Hallie in a quiet voice.


    “Miss Waltz and I will attempt to go through the proper channels to see to their release, what? Boaz and Clancy are good men, they will co-operate with the authorities until we can free them.”


    “But can we trust the authorities in Gothametropolis?” asked Hallie. "I can't see them releasing the into our custody. They technically broke the law just by being there."


    “Who says they were taken to the proper authorities though?”

wondered Lisa.
"So really, they're on their own and we can't help them?" Hallie clarified.


"We'll do all we can, but for the time being what, I'm afraid so, m'dear. I'm afraid so."
    
To be continued…by killer shrike!
    




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